Fic: What You Want

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Title: What You Want
Author: wildestranger
Rating:R
Prompt:Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living. – Mother Jones
Summary: Lily Evans contemplates the wizarding world and her place in it. Thanks to pre_raphaelite1 for beta!



This is not her world. She hides the thought like a guilty secret, rarely spoken even inside her own mind, but it’s always there. A reminder. A daring plan, sometimes. A security blanket.

It won’t occur to James that she could leave, that she could be something else than a witch and go back to the Muggle world. Yet as the war escalates, it does occur to her. When she sees Gideon Prewett’s leg destroyed by a word, a word that told his joints and sinews to start eating themselves, she thinks about familiar illnesses like cancer and arthritis and how they can be combatted. There is security in natural diseases, reason and logic and science and things that can be done. But the mindless destructive potential of magic is a paralysing thought, and she tells herself, this is not my world, I could go back.

Lily likes being a witch. She has enjoyed learning all the things her sister will never forgive her for learning; the ability to change the world with a swish and flick or the correct application of clockwise stirring. The moment when half-remembered, half-familiar words are transformed into an act, when language becomes a power she can manipulate, still makes her giddy with joy. That this is something she can do is more than a gift, it is a part who she has become, the reason she has become what she is.

But she remembers, more and more often, that she doesn’t have to be.

: :

It’s almost reassuring to look after Remus when he falls ill; a common cold, although dangerous for werewolves, and nothing to do with curses and spies and death. They all gather to Remus and Sirius’ flat to look after him, but there is more than concern for a friend here. Lily bosses everybody around, James grumbles, Peter makes silly jokes and it feels like they’re back in Hogwarts for a while. Lily sees that the Marauders are not as close as they once were and she knows that James hesitates before inviting his friends over. But for a few days, a week, that is forgotten, and somehow worrying about Remus’ health is easier than worrying about themselves.

Yet there are new connections being made as well. Lily watches Sirius watch Remus, and watches Remus being obvious about not watching Sirius. She worries about Remus (Sirius has always been James’s to worry about), not only for the words he speaks in his delirium, but also for the ones he refuses to speak when he is awake. She doesn’t ask him, though.

James used to be jealous of Remus, because Lily had liked him before she liked James, and because she used to threaten to run away with Remus when they argued. She doesn’t tell him about the things they used to do in the Arithmancy section of the library after the curfew, when they were prefects and free to roam the castle at night. They both have learned to want other things, but he is still beautiful to her, even pale and sick on Sirius’ expensive sheets. And she is glad, with a sudden fierceness that surprises her, that she is not the only one who thinks so. Sirius boasts about needing no sleep, but it is not insomnia that keeps him by Remus’ bed all night.

: :

Petunia calls her out of the blue and tells her that she is getting married. Lily has met her boyfriend a few times but expresses their mutual dislike with more courtesy than he does.

Sitting in Petunia’s bed-sit with a cup of tea in her lap, she looks at the blue curtains, the flowery lampshades, the old carpet with light brown stains on it, and feels nothing. It used to be that visiting the Muggle world made her glad, that she didn’t have to live there, that she didn’t have to live like this. Now the furniture is still ugly and Petunia’s voice is grating, repeating horrible and insidious things as always, but it means nothing. People live like this. Lily, although she likes to think that she would have done better, could live like this. And there are terrorists and murderers here too.

Petunia talks about her boyfriend and how good his prospects are in his uncle’s business. She tells Lily about their old neighbours, who are all scandalised that she is living in sin with her young man. Lily doesn’t point out that the reason they are scandalised is because Petunia has told them.

For someone so vehemently disgusted by wizards, Petunia does love to talk about James. His scruffy hair, his reprobate friends (Lily smiles and thinks of Sirius and his motorbike), his no-good job. Lily thinks about the neat side-parting on Vernon Dursley’s hair, and the grey suit he wears when he goes to work in the small office he has in his uncle’s company, and she wonders how he shags her sister. Does he take his tie off? Remind her not to mess up his hair as she lies back and thinks of Grunnings? She doesn’t imagine that they haven’t slept together; her sister is a fool but not that much of a fool. Maybe Vernon Dursley is hiding something spectacular under that suit. But then, Petunia would not like him if he did.

Yet when she stands up to go, Petunia asks if she will come to the wedding. It surprises Lily to find that she wants to go, and perhaps more so, that her sister does want her to come.

: :

When James comes home late one night and tells her Sirius’ brother is dead, it takes her a while to remember who it is, that Sirius has a brother. A sneering young man with Sirius’ sharp cheekbones but without his laughing mouth. Lily remembers that Regulus always looked like a lesser Sirius, lacking in all the things that made Sirius (occasionally) bearable. She had never spoken to him but he had probably called her a Mudblood at some point. Most of the Blacks had, especially after she started going out with James.

But now there is a dead boy, and she doesn’t know what to do about that. James doesn’t either, but they have to do something, for Sirius, who will of course pretend that nothing is wrong and that he needs nothing.

When James crawls into her lap, cold and shivering despite the balmy summer night, Lily strokes his hair and thinks about how easy death is. A few words, a green light, and people you don’t know will be devastated. Is it easy for them, those Death Eaters, many of who will bear the faces of her classmates behind their masks? Or is it difficult? Is that why they do it? To prove that they can?

James becomes quiet in her arms and Lily remembers that there are still things that they can do.

: :

She feels sick when she wakes up. They all have their own ways of dealing with the constant stress and paranoia; James gets the shakes, Sirius doesn’t sleep, Remus has headaches and Peter is losing his hair. It’s only after a week of early morning nausea that she realises what else it could be. This is the first time she throws up.

It’s very, very bad timing, they’re at war and this puts them more at risk, makes them more vulnerable. And she’s nineteen years old. She doesn’t want this, not the pain, not the burden, not the increased threat. She doesn’t want it, because if she has it then it will keep her from leaving and she will be stuck here without even the fantasy of escape.

She refuses to call it anything other than it.

She doesn’t tell James, not yet. She needs time to think first, but it is difficult to think when she feels sick all the time and she knows it isn’t the baby making her ill, but just herself. She can’t go for a walk to clear her head, it’s not safe anymore, she must be with other people all the time.

She hates it.

: :

There are things she could do. Both Muggle and Wizarding worlds have ways of dealing with unwanted things, and it need not even be painful or unpleasant. But it is a decision she doesn’t want to make. A choice either way makes all other choices impossible. And she needs to have that choice, any choice, something.

: :

James is in the middle of telling a story about Sirius and Sirius’ brother when she tells him.

“What?”

“I’m pregnant. Apparently those charms weren’t working. We should complain to the manufacturer.”

James looks at her as if he doesn’t understand what she is saying, and Lily isn’t sure whether it’s because of the baby or the Muggle reference. It’s strange to realise that she has never even thought that James might leave her for this. Perhaps she takes him for granted and believes that he believes all that stuff about fate and true love he has been spouting for years. Perhaps it has been this idea of starting a family and being together forever, following wizarding tradition, that she has resisted so far. Or perhaps she doesn’t love him enough.

“Oh. Fuck.”

“Yes. Indeed.”

There are a thousand inappropriate jokes bubbling on her lips but somehow it is important that she doesn’t speak now. Doesn’t tell him what to think.

“We’re going to. Fuck. Lily.”

He is looking at her, a little afraid (James Potter afraid?) but in some way less afraid than he was with just the terror of their everyday life. He takes hold of her hand and she realises he has never quite believed that he had her, has never been convinced that she really agreed to love him back.

“What are we going to do? What do you want to do?”

That he doesn’t take it for granted what will happen makes her feel ashamed because she did expect him to, expected so little of him. Maybe she has always been a little afraid of giving in to him, golden James Potter who only noticed her because she wouldn’t have him. It has kept the power balance between them a little uneven, this knowledge that he wanted her more than she wanted him, and it shocks her to see how hard she has fought to keep it like that. And keep him at a distance.

“I don’t know,” she says, and curls up a little smaller on the sofa. He reaches over then, elbows and knees knocking together as he is still not the most graceful of men, but in the end she is wrapped up in him and he is wrapped up in her. And it occurs to her that the thing she has been dreading, the thing she has resented in advance, it doesn’t have to be what she fears it is, doesn’t have to mean what they say it does. It can be something else, something better, this.

: :

It is still it, but the looks of joy on their friends’ faces are making her feel better about it. Sirius’ expression of gleeful astonishment is particularly enjoyable, as is his scowl when James and Remus explain how the hell this could have happened. Some of their friends make her feel a tad claustrophobic but she reminds herself, it need not mean that, it can mean this instead. And that’s fine. But she still feels a little sick sometimes.

It isn’t so much that they decide to get married. But when people hear that she is pregnant, it is assumed, and there are arrangements being made. Wizarding ceremonies are so dangerous in wartime, difficult business don’t you know, but are you sure you want just a Muggle ceremony? Lily’s nausea increases every time someone mentions the wedding or the engagement party and she learns to make herself feel better by inventing bitchy responses to people’s comments. She doesn’t actually say them out loud, but still, it’s enjoyable and undoubtedly good for the baby.

She doesn’t talk to James much about it, it is still a precarious thing that might be shattered easily. James walks around looking dazed and she doesn’t know if it’s because of the baby or the wedding or something else. She doesn’t ask.

She speaks to Alice, recently married and already pregnant. Alice looks disgustingly happy, as if there could be nothing better in the world, now that she has her man and is having a baby. Lily wants to shake her and shout there’s a war out there, we’re in the middle of fighting for our lives, how fucking stupid can you get, getting pregnant in a time like this? But there would be no point, Alice would only shake her round head and say it’s hormones, dear, we know you don’t really mean that. And look, I made little baby booties! And the problem is that it’s at least partly true, there are strange things going on in her body and she doesn’t know what to think, what’s causing it, only that she hates it.

: :

She refuses to buy baby clothes. She refuses to tell anyone the sex of the child, even James who once, hesitantly, asks her. It’s nobody’s business even if everybody seems to think it’s their business and she enjoys telling them all to fuck off. She also enjoys getting away with it because she is pregnant.

They make vague plans and arrange an engagement party, a hen and stag night, and a wedding. Lily insists on a Muggle wedding, a civil wedding because, as she claims, all that bullshit makes the baby sick. Her sister looks at her with a smug face that says now you’ve been caught as well, don’t think you’re any better than the rest of us, Miss Lily. You can be stupid and get knocked up as well.

She realises that it’s been going on for too long for her to do anything about it when James comes home with a pram and a little Quidditch broom. She spends an hour scandalising him with suggestions of what he should do with the broom, and then tells him it’s a boy.

: :

One night James doesn’t come home from a mission. She makes tea and waits on the living room sofa. She doesn’t think about what might happen, or about how dependent her life suddenly is on him.

But when he comes home in the morning and tells her Gideon and Fabian are dead, she breaks down. She locks herself in the bathroom and refuses to come out for three hours. He threatens to break down the door and she tells him to fuck off. Then she throws up.

It isn’t supposed to be like this. She shouldn’t have to be hiding for her life in a tiny bathroom, and she knows it’s childish and stupid but she revels in her childishness; how the hell should someone like her be responsible for another life? She isn’t as clever and brave as her friends think, as James thinks. She can’t do this. She has to go back.

But when she steps out of the bathroom, James isn’t there, and she finds that’s even worse.

: :

She goes to Petunia’s wedding alone and refrains from telling her sister what a mistake she is making marrying that oaf. She keeps her fingers on her wand all throughout the ceremony, not because she believes she is in more danger than usual, but because she needs to remember. There are cousins and old neighbours, people she hasn’t seen in years, and Lily finds she has no interest in talking to them or finding out what they’ve been up to. She doesn’t want to tell them about her life, even if there was something she could tell. The two worlds are too separate, and it seems it is no longer possible to inhabit both.

But what she realises is that her habit of living in one place and thinking about the other is no longer feasible. She can’t make life bearable by pretending to be somewhere else than where she is.

Petunia is smiling like she is truly happy and even Vernon is twisting his face in a way that indicates joy. Lily considers sneaking a few drops of Felix Felicis into the Bulgarian sparkling wine they are drinking. But they wouldn’t want it and Lily suspects, would be more comfortable with the sheer normality of unpleasant weather, horrid guests and bad sex.

Lily avoids the bouquet that Petunia throws at her face and sends it to an unsuspecting male cousin who blushes in a very endearing way. Petunia gives her an evil look and Lily can’t keep from grinning. This must be what it felt like being James and Sirius at school.

: :

The engagement party is full of people she doesn’t know very well, friends of friends who have come to take advantage of any excuse for a party. She keeps eyeing the wine bottles, and imagines making faces at the people who would tell her that she shouldn’t drink. She is not going to, but it’s certainly no one else’ business if she did.

Sirius arrives wearing leather trousers, and tells her this is her last chance to leave James for him. She cuddles up to Sirius, fondles his arse a few times and then pinches it, whispering not if you were the last man on earth. But she gives him a kiss on the cheek and he gives her a hug, and they are good friends now, despite his slight tendency to blame her for stealing his best friend, and her worry that he isn’t good enough for her friend. She tells him she forgives him for being a tosser in school and he says he forgives her for being a bossy cow, and then James intervenes and asks what the hell are you doing with my girlfriend. At which point Sirius sidles up to him and starts making such outrageous suggestions that Lily has to clutch her sides, she is laughing that hard.

At the end of the night she is sitting with James and there is Remus and Sirius and Peter, and she remembers that that there are other things than her wand that she has gained from the Wizarding world. And for a moment, despite the war, despite the wedding, it’s enough.

: :

The waiting room in St. Mungo’s is noisy, people crying, talking, arguing. There’s a healer, who comes to the door every few minutes and calls out names, causing people to stumble over their bags and other people’s feet, trying to get to hear the news as soon as possible. Lily hasn’t said a word since they arrived and neither has Remus, both knowing too well the pointlessness of trying to reassure the other.

She was told there had been an attack on a group of Aurors, James and Sirius among them. She knows five people are dead, left in the burned down house, and the rest are severely damaged.

She imagines seeing him dead; imagines finding him burned and tortured to insanity; imagines sitting by his bed as he is dying. What can you say to a dying man, how do you tell him, what could possibly be enough to convey all that needs to be said? How do you put all the desperate love into a few words? Lily is sick with the frantic need to tell James how much she loves him, how she hasn’t loved him enough, but now, now she does. Now that’s all that matters.

All the confusion she has had these past few weeks melts into nothingness with the idea that he might die. And although she has known the danger, they all have and how could you not, there’s no preparation for this, for James, oh god.

Remus stands up abruptly and rushes to the door, his feet an inelegant tangle of flailing limbs. Lily sees arms going around Remus’ waist, hugging him tightly, then a mess of long black hair on his shoulder; Sirius. Remus is running one hand up and down Sirius’ body, checking everything is all right, and his other hand is cradling Sirius’ head as they press close together and whisper.

It takes Lily a moment to realise how unusual this is. Remus, who never voluntarily touches people, who never shows affection in public or wears his heart on his sleeve, is embracing Sirius Black with all the despair of a man in love.

But then another dark head appears and she is running, stumbling over her feet and there is blood on his cheek and bandages on his arm and his glasses are broken but he is smiling and it’s James. She hesitates to touch him at first: after all the scenarios she has constructed he is still a miracle, still too much to hope for. But he says her name, calls Lily, Lily, Come here, and then she can’t help herself.

He smells of smoke and burnt skin, and his hands are shaking. She brushes his hair off his face, repairs his glasses and tries to wash the smudge off his cheek. He grabs her and kisses her, and she thinks this is it, this is it.

All the things she wanted to say can wait, but she promises herself she will say them, will tell him everything. It isn’t enough to wait and worry, to say I love you every now and then. But she will tell him and he will forgive her, and then she can live with herself. And with him.

: :

She didn’t believe she could love this child, but when she feels him move there are strange tendrils of emotion forming inside her, and she doesn’t fight them. There are other battles to be had. There is a prophecy; there are rumours of spies; there is constant danger, sudden attacks, secrets and alliances. She chooses to fight.

She watches Gideon and Fabian being buried. She watches Marlene McKinnon and her family being buried, mourns the disappearance of Caradoc Dearborn, the death of Dorcas Meadows; too many people dying. And there is a decision, not a sudden moment of enlightenment, but a thought that becomes meaningful over time, as she watches, and wants, and decides.

This is what I choose, this is my life and to hell with anybody who tells me I can’t have it. This is mine.

There is more to being a witch than waving a wand and shouting curses at men.

The End

Comments

[kabeyk.livejournal.com]

Am really liking Lily here, she's very real - needing her choices, and you have James just wonderful too.

And of course I love her wondering about keeping it, and I've always believed firmly in the idea that they married because Lily was pregnant and not the other way round. And I love the way she thinks about her sister and Vernon. Brilliant.

she remembers that that there are other things than her wand that she has gained from the Wizarding world

Wow, you rock. And the R/S!

kxx

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! Was somewhat worried, so glad you like it.

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this. I love that it's not all easy and sweet and perfect for Lily, and that she actually ::gasp:: has DOUBTS about being a mother and a wife during wartime! And that she's being rushed into everything and trying to cope with that rush. And that her relationship with Petunia is not simple hatred, but complicated and messy. (And sending the bouquet at the male cousin totally cracked me up.)

And yeah, I liked the R/S too- very beautifully done, without remotely overshadowing the story. It had it's place, but it was discreet.

Wonderful!

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it.

[livii.livejournal.com]

This is nice; the writing is clear and engaging, and the storyline well-examined. Lots of little twists and turns that made for a very good narrative overall. Very nice use of the prompt, too.

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

[drusillas-rain.livejournal.com]

beautifully written - elegant and frank, just the way I always pictured Lily herself

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

[lareinenoire.livejournal.com]

Oh, that is just *beautiful*. I love Lily's voice in this--so many people forget that, as a Muggleborn, she does have the choice to leave the wizarding world and go back to her own.

Everyone in this fic is wonderfully characterised. Fantastic. Adore the interplay between Lily and Remus and Sirius. Brava!

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

[lisa-bee.livejournal.com]

This really brings home the little details of life during the war, the insecurities and sudden moments of clarity. And it makes the deaths all that much more painful, for the three-dimensionality you've given them.

Ouch.

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's such a complicated time, and we know so little about it from Rowling.

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[serpent-lord.livejournal.com]

I've no idea how I missed this before...

This is so exactly how I want to see Lily - a good, strong person making some very difficult decisions and living through things that no one should ever have to, much less while pregnant.

Moving and very insightful - I really love it.

(But you might want to add a link to your journal entry - I found it through the comm instead.)

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Thank you Mr. Riddle!

There was something wrong with my journal, it has been corrected now and this can also be found there. But thanks for finding this anyway!

[serpent-lord.livejournal.com]

Hee! You never know when the Evil Overlord's going to pop up. Betcha didn't know he had a kink for reading femgen. ^__^

[dragongirlg.livejournal.com]

Wow! I loved this. You made Lily such a real person.

[wildestranger.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.