Impressions, Alicia Spinnet, PG-13

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Title: Impressions
Author: opheliet 
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Some talk of abortion, canon character death
Prompt: 83- "The popular idea that a child forgets easily is not an accurate one. Many people go right through life in the grip of an idea which has been impressed on them in very tender years."
-Agatha Christie.
Summary: Just because she doesn't remember much, doesn't mean she forgot everything.

So many thanks and cupcakes to liseuse , who was a terrific beta. All mistakes are definitely mine.

The popular idea that a child forgets easily is not an accurate one. Many people go right through life in the grip of an idea which has been impressed on them in very tender years.

-- Agatha Christie.

 

There's a lot of things Alicia Spinnet can't remember about her childhood. She can't remember what her mother got her for her seventh birthday, or what her aunt always said when Alicia would fall down and scrape her knee. She doesn't remember a lot of the places she went, or all of the people she met. What she does remember, though, is what her father said that one day in June when she was six.




June, 1984

″Daddy, I want to help!″ Alicia called, scrambling after her father as he went to the back of the house. He was working on adding on a room, for Alicia's little brother or sister, who was due very soon. Alicia was very excited. She'd been asking for a little sister for as long as she could remember, and finally she was getting one. She just wanted to do something to help. Alicia's father, preoccupied with things, didn't hear his daughter and continued walking.

″Daddy wait, I said I want to help!″ Alicia ran around the back, nearly colliding with her father as he stopped and turned around, a big smile on his face, his blue eyes squinting at the little girl who was practically bouncing with excitement. ″Can I? Please?″

″Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, you can't help. Not with this. This is a grown-ups-only job.″ He laughed his big belly laugh and began to walk away.

″But- I want to help you build the room for the baby.″ Alicia could feel her bottom lip fighting its way out. She didn't want to pout because only babies pouted, but she was completely crestfallen.

Her father turned back and smiled.

″I know you want to help. Tell you what- why don't you go inside and do some dishes for your mummy? That's a girl's job. Out here is a boy's job. Wouldn't want to do a boy's job now would you?″ Her father kissed the top of her head and patted her bottom and Alicia did as she was told and went inside.

She's sure her father meant the best. He wouldn't have said anything to hurt her. But the words stayed with her, and it took a few years for Alicia to realize why they stung so much.

January, 1988

Nathaniel is crying, and Alicia can't sleep because his room is right next to hers. She creeps out of bed very softly and tiptoes into his room. Her mother is already in there, sitting on the edge of the bed and soothingly rubbing his back.

″I'm sorry Alicia, did he wake you up?″ her mother asked, looking up. She looked very tired. Her hair was frizzy and sticking out, and her eyes were squinting.

Alicia just shrugged and sat on the floor by her mother, resting her head against her mother's leg. It was quiet and peaceful as Nathaniel drifted off to sleep and Alicia found her own eyes closing, until a sharp crack downstairs woke her up. It also woke up her little brother, who began crying again.

″Can you sit with him? I'll be right back.″ Her mother gave Alicia a kiss and stood up, sighing heavily.

″Margaret!″ a loud voice called up the stairs. Her mother shook her head and walked quickly out of the room.

″Fight?″ Nathaniel whimpered, as Alicia snuggled into the bed beside him.

″No, love, go to sleep,″ she said, trying to sound as much like her mother as she could. "Just close your eyes. Good boy."

But they would fight, Alicia knew. She would fall asleep to the sharp words from her father and the defenses from her mother.

Second Year

At the beginning of second year, Fred Weasley held the common room portrait open, so that Alicia could walk through. They were both hot and sweaty, on their way back from Quidditch tryouts. Alicia thought it a divine miracle she was even lifting one foot after the other, but she stopped short upon seeing the open door.

″I can do it myself,″ she said, crossing her arms in front of her and refusing to move. Fred wrinkled his forehead and laughed, his head cocked to one side.

″I know you can,″ he said, looking very confused, and when she still didn't budge, shrugged and went in alone, letting the door close behind him.

That was when Alicia learned the difference between someone treating her differently because she was a girl and just being nice. She made it up to Fred by letting him win at chess that night, and figured that probably evened it out.

Fourth Year

In fourth year Roger McNarron asked her on a date, and an hour into it Alicia found herself in a dark classroom with Roger trying to take off her bra. Sure, holding hands had been nice, and it had even been fun to kiss him, but this was just a little too far.

″What do you think you're doing?″ she asked, pulling back from him and raising her eyebrows.

Roger smiled his crooked little smile. Alicia had at first found it cute. It was increasingly becoming annoying.

″We're having fun, right?″ he said, laughing a little and kissing her again. His breath was hot and Alicia felt a prickle of uneasiness spread over her.

″I was.″ Alicia sighed, edging away even as she spoke. ″Goodnight Roger. I'm going back to the common room.″

″What- Alicia-″ Roger sounded exasperated, and reached out to grab her arm as she got up.

She whirled around, looking offended.

″Don't touch me.″ Her words were venomous, and Roger made no mistake about their meaning. He made sure to tell the other boys all about that night, ensuring that Alicia didn't have a date again until halfway through fifth year. Which didn't really make a difference one way or another to her- it just meant she didn't have to fend off the sleezy remarks anymore. She would rather be alone on Valentine's Day than have to put up with grabby hands and false affection.

Seventh Year

The Healer program was difficult to get into, and they were looking for more than NEWTS scores on the application. Alicia sighed as she looked over the statistics. Chances were more than likely she wouldn't be getting into the program, even if she did manage that O in Arithmancy. Which, to be honest with herself, wasn't going to happen if she gave up sleep for studying.

Her mother thought this was a weak excuse.

″No Alicia, I think that's ridiculous. If you're good enough, they'll accept you. Being a girl or a boy has nothing to do with it!″ She was washing dishes, and the irony of the conversation wasn't lost on Alicia.

She couldn't help but roll her eyes. Coming home for Christmas was rapidly looking like a mistake.

″Are you serious?! Mum!″ Alicia waved the papers in her hand; the ones that proved what she was saying. Only five percent of the applicants got in every year, and only one percent of them were women.

″You're using it as an excuse, Alicia. What would your father say?″ Her mother wrinkled her forehead and shook her head, the look on her face expressing her disappointment in her daughter. It stung.

″I'm pretty sure he'd say being a Healer is a man's job!″ Alicia hadn't meant to say the words, and her eyes grew wide as soon as they were out. Her mother was quiet for a while, and when she spoke her voice was very quiet.

″Sweetheart, I don't know what to tell you. You're just going to have to apply and hope for the best.″ The look in her mother's tired blue eyes was full of defeat, and Alicia felt a terrible pang of sadness for her.

May, 1998

War is funny, Alicia thought to herself as she ran once more down the stairs at Hogwarts, this time ready to attack and with reason to fear for her life. It doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man when you're fighting. Everybody dies.

And then there was a crumbling of rock and heart-stopping shouts, and a little piece of Alicia crumbled too. She sank down onto the floor and watched the lifeless body of one of her best friends be ever so gently lifted and thought about how wrong everything was. This wasn't a girl's job or a boy's job. This wasn't for anyone.

With a broken arm and a fractured rib, Alicia walked out of Hogwarts that night absolutely exhausted, surrounded on either side by her friends. But she was alive, and that counted for something.

August, three years later

Now, war is not at the forefront of her mind. With charts and spells gone wrong and people with feet in the wrong place, St. Mungo's is the hubub of insanity that it has always been.

Here there are Mediwizards who think that they are God, and who are eager to make sure anyone who thinks otherwise never makes it past reception.

But there are also kind faces and friendly smiles, and encouraging letters from her friends and her mother that tell her just how proud they are, how they knew she could do it all along.

And then there's Article 76-B, which is trying to prevent witches from purchasing ingredients that may be used to make ″certain potions″. Never mind that powdered falcon's claw is also a popular cooking ingredient, and that Alicia sees more and more women every day who have been to the shops in Knockturn Alley and who are now near death, bleeding so badly that they can barely breathe. No, just buying the products is going to be forbidden and now Alicia has got to write strongly worded letters and sign petitions and make speeches on top of her fourteen hour shifts. She's in a constant state of exhaustion and forget Quidditch or having a social life, she can barely remember which shoe goes on the right foot in the morning.

And sometimes, yes, it's all a little much and she would like to just go along with things and not let it get to her, but then she closes her eyes and hears her father's voice in her head and she's up writing another letter.

And as much as she hates her father for saying those words, she's kind of glad he did.

Comments

[shiiki.livejournal.com]

This is wonderful! The femgen theme runs through this fic really vibrantly. I enjoyed knowing more about your Alicia, and the scenes from her life that help to define her and her views of the world. I loved her for managing to define what was meant as sexist and what wasn't - especially the distinction between Fred's actions and Roger's. I thought you managed to bring out her feminism perfectly without making it rampant and overboard.

Beautiful job, I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's one of my favourites from this fest!

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed this. It was so interesting to write Alicia, and I'm very pleased to hear her feminism didn't go overboard- it was never my intention to make a preachy story, just one that explored events from a growing girl's perspective, and how the simplest of things can alter your views.

Thank you so much for your very kind words! :)

[liseuse.livejournal.com]

You know I love this my dear. It's such a great evocation of the way in which supposedly throwaway remarks influence our entire lives and the ways in which we interact with people. And it is all too relevant for modern day life, even outside the wizarding world.

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

*beams* Thank you so much. I really do think it's the smallest details that define who a person becomes.

Thank you for helping me make this what it is!

Impressions

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

What a very powerful story and what an encouraging message.

I liked the outcome, that in spite of every sign that told her to turn around and do a girl's job, Alicia refused and did what she wanted, consequences be damned, and succeeded. And that, in the end, she was doing a woman's job, fighting a fight that was uniquely a woman's and for a female cause and yet, in its quality, was so much like a job considered suitable for men. She used her father's words to her advantage.

Thank you for writing and sharing.

Re: Impressions

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Oh thank you so much!

Precisely what I was trying to show- that as much as Alicia might want to 'blend in' and not be treated differently, she does have to eventually take a stand for something that directly affects women.

Thank you for your very kind words. :)

[i-am-girlfriday.livejournal.com]

This is really great. It's powerful and the quote works soooo well with the theme. It really set the mood. Nice job!

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your nice words. :) (I did rather fall in love with the quote.)

[tayefeth.livejournal.com]

Wonderful story. I like your Alicia. We need more of her.

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! Alicia really surprised me, it didn't take her long at all to demand what went down on the page.

[magic-at-mungos.livejournal.com]

She's awesome. She really is.

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Like I said in another comment, she really surprised me once I started writing this. It's one of the reasons I love this community so much- getting to know some really awesome characters.

[mindabbles.livejournal.com]

I really, really enjoyed this. It is a wonderful snap shot of a whole life. The pacing is just right and I really loved Alicia.

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

*is pretending she's not eons late answering this*

Joking aside, thank you so much. I truly appreciate it- it was difficult to get an entire life, essentially, in the story and I'm so glad to hear that it worked.

[woldy]

I really like the way you show how her father's comment & attitudes contributed to her feminism & determination, & the subtle mention of abortion at the end is very well handled. Great fic!

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I just wanted to show how really, one thing that sticks with a child can shape their life more than the parent (or child, even) realizes at the time.
Anyhow, thanks!

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm very glad this worked for you. I'm happy you liked that line- I wanted to show that some things simply can't be gender-defined, and war's one of them. Thanks again :)

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

This is a really well done story. The progression is a delight to read, even when touching on subjects that could be constured as "icky". (Hey, war is icky. *shrug*)

Enjoyed it a lot.

(here from the Dot Moon nominee list)

[opheliet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! And very true, war is definitely "icky"! ;) But I'm very glad that you enjoyed it, and thank you for your kind review.